a Poem for Wednesdays...

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Beers are one dollar
Come here so I can do you

Thats what she said.

MD: I feel like most girls are really shy about saying what they want in bed.
CCW: Most girls are sober.

whammy magumi

January 16, 2008- I drank so many beers I forgot what day it was.

im dumb.

I am the stupidest person alive. today is Jan 16! shit......

Today in History

I'm feeling a little nostalgic today blog, so I've decided to take a look into history. So let’s see on January 15th....

January 15, 1535- Henry VIII declares himself head of English Church

January 15, 1780- Continental Congress establishes court of appeals

January 15, 1861- Steam elevator patented by Elisha Otis

January 15, 1870- Donkey 1st used as symbol of Democratic Party, in Harper's Weekly

January 15, 1895- Tchaikovsky's ballet "Swan Lake" premieres, St. Petersburg

January 15, 1943- World's largest office building, Pentagon, completed

January 15, 1949- Mao's Red army conquers Ten-tsin

January 15, 1973- President Nixon suspends all U.S. offensive action in North Vietnam

January 15, 2003- I reach the midway point of my goal to drink every day of JanPlan, pass out drunk

January 15, 2004- Cathy and I manage to get our parents to pay for us to live in a hotel in Paris, we drink the entire cocktail menu at the Aussie Bar in one night, pass out drunk

January 15, 2005- Maddy and I convince teachers that skiing is worth JanPlan credit. Watch rowdy boys plug George Forman Grill into drywall, throw knives, pass out drunk. Wake up in pain, ate too many chicken parms.

January 15, 2006- On crutches after surgery, go to the bar anyway, pass out on crutches.

January 15, 2008- Get run in stockings on the way to work, instead of working plan how to many dollar beers I will consume this evening…..

Ook… Wow looks like a lot of things happened on Jan 15th!!

Bud and Banana 4eva!

Dear God/Blog/Diary,

I just received the following letter in the mail and I’m not quite sure how to react…

Dear Claire,

This is the one millionth letter we have sent you to date. Again, we at Banana Republic regret to inform you that you owe us all of your life savings plus indentured servitude for 3 years (oh yes you CAN work in retail!) in exchange for the many pretty patterned work variety dresses you have purchased from our stores. While the 8am shift employees at the 42nd street store so feel that that are rich in stories of drunken wandering, meaningless makeouts, and cheese fries, we are lacking in the legal tender department. However, it has come to our attention that another company that we are friendly with, the producers of Bud Light have been sending you similar letters for several years now. As such we will team up this one time to offer you the following: official sponsorship of your trainwreckery, Bud Light and Banana Republic- the official sponsorship. Think about it. It’s better than indentured servitude.

Love,

Banana Republic (and new partner Bud Light)

Where does depression hurt

Dear Eli,

Thanks for not sucking as much as you usually do. This is my face for sexy times, lets have them.

Love, Claire

P.s. I'll bring my shark puppet.

Ooh, it's a passion!!

So this weekend was spent mostly in my room lip syncing to "Rhythm is a Dancer" by Snap! into my hairbrush. I counted and a listened to it 2, 190 times (for Kyle Miller). So as you can imagine I had a lot of time on my hands to think about the future, and no I don't mean just the Junior Miss Lip Syncing contest this March! But the reeaaaallll future. So I've set out a little plan, some goals for 2008....

Fantasize about quitting my job less and the Nightmare before Christmas more
Find producer for Adult video starting Jingles (this may be hard... is there a fatty cat fetish out there?)
Get friend(s)
Have sober sex
Kiss on the lips
Avoid taking limos to the apartment of people I dont really know/falling asleep on their freinds
Stop being a big loser who goes to the gym after running

Ok thats it for now, I'll try and think of some more for later, but the efffing FIRE ALARM keeps going off in my office. prolly cuz im foxxxxxy.

This week in numbers

Due to the popularity of this post, it has become a weekly. Saturday to Friday, so lets see how this week added up...

3- years older than the mean age of barhopping companions on saturday night
5- hours after waking up on Sunday that I was so blacked I needed to leave the bar
0- seconds spent kissing on lips
17- beers consumed after deciding to 'reel it in'
10- hours spent blogging about my feelings
36- hours spent looking at cat porn online
5- hours spent shopping for cats to make own cat porn, Nightmare before christmas themed!
3, 748- Cheese fries consumed (waffle and cheese whiz variety)
7- hours spent photoshopping face onto giraffe bodies in order to make 2, 190 valentines day cards for Kyle Miller in time (One for every day I've known and loved him!)

Oh wow, that was a good week. Ok I gotta go kiss a bottle of cheese whiz on the lips! TOOTLES

dinner

Ok so last night I ordered the entire chicken menu fron Hunan Wok (it was right next to the Sbarro in the manhattan mall, so I picked up a couple slices of that too) and they gave me napkins and chopsticks for 10! Don't they know its just little ol me?

PROM NIGHT

OMGOMGOMG im so excited!!!! This guy asked me to the prom. Everyone calls him the swan. and hes in Mensa, what a fox!!! You know what they say about prom night! (emoticon!)

Are you there God? It's me Claire... you know CLAIRE!

Ok so lets get right into it. I'm having what smart people call a "crisis of faith." I don't know what "crisis" is but i guess its bad. God... are you there?? Its me claire, and I'm just wondering if you really exist. Becasue some bad things have happened and I don't really know how you could let that happen to me. God, where were you when I took home the 17 year old 'little person' who was transferring to junior college. Where were you? And where were you when that gay man used me as his beard at that party?? WHERE? God, where were you when I got so blackout that I decided that wearing a cape with crutches was a good fashion decision, GOD, I LOOKED LIKE A BAT!

Confession!

Ok, I feel like I can really talk to you blog, about my feeeelllings. Sometimes I hide my feelings becasue I don't want people to know, but I feel so deeply! Anyway, I have a confession. For the last 6 years I have been deeply in love. I lie awake at night thinking about him, I cannot possibly sleep. I must confess to the world once and for all that Kyle Miller is the love of my life. I honestly have not been able to stop thinking about him since he called me a hot giraffe 6 years ago. What a turn on! Can you belive he wants to make sweet giraffe love to me? (did I miss my shot???)

Lets hear it for 2008!

Cathy: want to come spinning?
Claire: Absolutely not
Cathy: no? haha
Claire: 2008 is the year of not getting a bruised vajayjay from something other than a penis

Book review!

Hi everyone!

I just read:
Self-Defeating Behaviors: Free Yourself from the Habits, Compulsions, Feelings, and Attitudes That Hold You Back by Milton R. Cudney and Robert E. Hardy

It was the best book ever! Run right out and buy it, I can't lend you mine, becasue I'll be reading at again, of course!!!!!!!!!

It really helped me get in touch with my feelings.

LOOOOOVVVEEEE, Claire

I like MIKE!

I just want everyone out there to know that I support Mike Huckabee, and I hope you do too! I love and man who loves his Cheese Whiz! Praise Jeebus!

This Year in Numbers

Dear blog/diary/God,

Now its time for a more serious post. This is after all a time for reflection. So I've decided to play a little game I call "This Year in Numbers." Just so I can see how 2007 really added up. So here goes!

2- the number of states I lived in
8, 965.47- the number of dollars I spent on Banana Republic clothes after sleeping over in the city while living in CT with parents, so that bosses wouldnt know how often I sleep out
1- number of times cab was taken from Harlem to Stamford, CT
90- number of dollars spent on said cab
0- number of minutes after I arrived home from harlem cab ride that my parents woke up
70- number of dollars taken from dads wallet to pay for said cab
1 million- number of blackout makeouts
5, 754- number of Nightmare Before Chrismas related sex fantasies
8- number of years representing the age difference between oldest and youngest manfriend
3 bazillion- number of beers consumed
3- number of slices of pizza consumed after each hangover
1- number of dresses of cathy's that I spilled fake pump cheese on while eating fries and have yet to return.

Well thats it for now! Looks like another great year is shaping up!

Just another Sunday?

Dear Diary,

Is it wrong to need to leave Brother Jimmy's at 5pm on sunday night becasue you are blackout? Are you there God, It's me Claire, Don't judge me.

BAD FRIEND ALRET!

Oh my god. I am soooo pissed at my friend Cathy! So we went out, had some shots.... and I was totally hitting on this HOT GUY! Long story short she ended up falling asleep on him. She said sorry the next day and brunch but I am so MAD! I missed my shot!!!! Ho.

Christmas Cheer!

Dear Diary,

I don't know what came over me! Every saturday night I watch the notebook and eat Doritos with Cheese Whiz. But this last saturday night I decided to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas! It was amazing. I found myself oddly aroused......
Thats all for now TOOTLES!!!

I'm Hungry!!!!

Anybody want some cool whip??

Julia Roberts???

Dear Diary,

Just one question, if a boy you're involved with doesn't kiss you on the lips does that mean that you are a hooker??